There’s a quiet revolution happening in how we think about self-esteem. It’s not about becoming better. It’s not about fixing yourself or achieving enough to finally deserve respect.
It’s about seeing yourself clearly, flaws and all, and still choosing to hold yourself in high regard.
The Self-Esteem Trap We’ve Been Sold
Most of us learned self-esteem backwards. We were told it comes after we accomplish something. After we lose the weight. After we get the promotion. After we become the person we think we should be.
So we built a fragile structure: self-worth conditional on performance.
The problem is you’ll never be enough. There’s always another goal, another flaw to fix, another way you’re falling short. Self-esteem built on this foundation is exhausting. It’s also temporary.
High-functioning women know this intimately. You’ve achieved. You’ve accomplished. You’ve become capable, reliable, competent. And yet many of you still don’t hold yourselves in high regard.
Why? Because you’re waiting for perfection.
What Terry Real and Esther Perel Mean by Flawed and Still Worthy
Relationship therapist and author Terry Real offers a definition of self-esteem that cuts through the noise: “our ability to see ourselves as a flawed individual and still hold ourselves in high regard.”
Psychotherapist Esther Perel builds on this in her essay Letters From Esther #8: The Myth of Self-Love, describing it as the ability to “not fall into a puddle of contempt even when we mess up.”
Together, they’re describing something radical: unconditional self-respect.
Not self-esteem that depends on outcomes. Not self-worth that fluctuates with your productivity or appearance or how well you managed your day.
But a steady, grounded sense that you are worthy of your own respect simply because you exist. Because you try. Because you show up, even when it’s hard.
This isn’t arrogance. It’s not about thinking you’re perfect or better than anyone else.
It’s about seeing your humanity, your mistakes, your limitations, your contradictions, and deciding that doesn’t disqualify you from being treated well. By others. And crucially, by yourself.
The Difference Between Conditional and Unconditional Self-Regard
Conditional self-esteem says: “I’m worthy when I perform well. When I’m organised. When I don’t disappoint anyone. When I look a certain way.”
This is exhausting because the conditions are never fully met. There’s always a flaw. Always a failure. Always a reason to withdraw respect from yourself.
Unconditional self-regard says: “I’m flawed. I make mistakes. I have limitations. And I still deserve my own kindness and respect.”
This doesn’t mean you stop trying to grow or improve. It means your worth isn’t on trial while you do.
What Gets in the Way
For many high-functioning women, holding yourself in high regard while flawed feels dangerous. Irresponsible, even.
You’ve learned that self-criticism keeps you sharp. That pointing out your own flaws before anyone else does protects you. That withdrawing respect from yourself is motivating.
It’s not. It’s demoralising.
There’s also shame. Deep, quiet shame about not being enough. About the gap between who you are and who you think you should be. About needing support. About struggling despite appearing capable.
Shame thrives in silence and self-judgment. It shrinks when you can see yourself clearly and still choose respect.
How to Build Unconditional Self-Regard
Start with honest seeing. Not harsh judgment. Honest seeing. What are your actual flaws? Not the ones you imagine. The real ones. Impatience. Perfectionism. Difficulty asking for help. Tendency to over-commit.
Name them without drama.
Separate the flaw from your worth. You’re impatient sometimes. That’s a pattern you have. It’s not who you are. It doesn’t make you bad. It makes you human.
Notice where you withdraw respect. When do you talk to yourself like you’d never talk to a friend? When do you punish yourself for being imperfect? When do you use your flaws as evidence that you’re not enough?
These are the moments to pause. To choose differently.
Practice small acts of self-respect. Not grand gestures. Small ones. Keeping a promise to yourself. Saying no without over-explaining. Taking your own needs seriously. Speaking to yourself with the kindness you’d offer someone you care about.
These aren’t selfish. They’re foundational.
Why This Matters Now
You’re capable. You’re competent. You show up. You care deeply. You carry a lot.
And somewhere along the way, you learned that this meant you had to be flawless. That your worth was tied to your performance. That you could only rest when you’d earned it.
What if that’s not true?
What if you could see yourself clearly, your limitations, your mistakes, your very human struggles, and still hold yourself in high regard?
Not because you’re perfect. But because you’re real. Because you try. Because you matter.
That’s not arrogance. That’s freedom.
Real, T. Self-Esteem and Depression. (Referenced in Perel, E. “Letters From Esther #8: The Myth of Self-Love.” estherperel.com)
Perel, E. (2020). “Letters From Esther #8: The Myth of Self-Love.” Retrieved from https://www.estherperel.com/blog/letters-from-esther-8